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page I,32

ACT II. SCENE I.

2
3 ( London. A Room in Loveless's Lodgings .)
4
5 Enter Loveless and Amanda.
6

7Lov. How do you like these Lodgings, my Dear? For my part, I am
8so well pleas'd with 'em, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay
9in Town, if you are satisfy'd.

10Aman. I am satisfy'd with every thing that pleases you; else I had not
11come to Town at all.

12Lov. O, a little of the noise and bussle of the World, sweetens the
13Pleasures of Retreat: We shall find the Charms of our Retirement doubled,
14when we return to it.

15Aman. That pleasing Prospect will be my chiefest Entertainment, whilst
16(much against my Will) I am oblig'd to stand surrounded with these empty
17Pleasures, which 'tis so much the fashion to be fond of.

18Lov. I own most of 'em are indeed but empty: nay so empty, that one
19wou'd wonder by what Magick Power they act, when they induce us to
20be vicious for their sakes.
21 Yet some there are we may speak kindlier of: There are Delights, (of
22which a private Life is destitute) which may divert an honest Man, and
23be a harmless Entertainment to a virtuous Woman. The Conversation of
24the Town is one; and truly, (with some small Allowances) the Plays, I
25think, may be esteem'd another.

26Aman. The Plays, I must confess, have some small Charms, and wou'd
27have more, wou'd they restrain that loose obscene encouragement to Vice,
28which shocks, if not the Virtue of some Women, at least the Modesty of all.

page I,33

29Lov. But till that Reformation can be made, I wou'd not leave the
30whol'some Corn, for some intruding Tares that grow amongst it. Doubtless,
31the Moral of a well-wrought Scene is of prevailing Force. - Last
32Night there happen'd one that mov'd me strangely.

33Aman. Pray, what was that?

34Lov. Why 'twas about - but 'tis not worth repeating.

35Aman. Yes, pray let me know it.

36Lov. No, I think 'tis as well let alone.

37Aman. Nay, now you make me have a mind to know.

38Lov. 'Twas a foolish thing: You'd perhaps grow jealous shou'd I tell
39it you, tho without a cause Heaven knows.

40Aman. I shall begin to think I have Cause, if you persist in making it
41a secret.

42Lov. I'll then convince you, you have none by making it no longer so.
43Know then, I happen'd in the Play to find my very Character, only with
44the Addition of a Relapse ; which struck me so, I put a suddain stop to
45a most harmless Entertainment, which till then, diverted me between the
46Acts. 'Twas to admire the workmanship of Nature, in the Face of a young
47Lady, that sat some distance from me, she was so exquisitely handsome.

48Aman. So exquisitely handsome!

49Lov. Why do you repeat my words, my Dear?

50Aman. Because you seem'd to speak 'em with such pleasure, I thought
51I might oblige you with their Eccho.

52Lov. Then you are allarmed, Amanda ?

53Aman. It is my Duty to be so, when you are in danger.

54Lov. You are too quick in apprehending for me; all will be well when
55you have heard me out.
56 I do confess I gaz'd upon her; nay, eagerly I gaz'd upon her.

57Aman. Eagerly? That's with desire.

58Lov. No, I desir'd her not; I view'd her with a world of admiration,
59but not one glance of Love.

60Aman. Take heed of trusting to such nice Distinctions.

61Lov. I did take heed; for observing in the Play, That he who seem'd
62to represent me there, was by an Accident like this, unwarily surpriz'd
63into a Net, in which he lay a poor intangl'd Slave, and brought a Train
64of mischiefs on his Head; I snatcht my Eyes away: they pleaded hard
65for leave to look again, but I grew absolute, and they obey'd.

66Aman. Were they the only things that were Inquisitive? Had I been
67in your place, my Tongue, I fancy, had been curious too; I shou'd have
68ask'd her Name, and where she liv'd, (yet still without Design:) - Who
69was she, pray?

70Lov. Indeed I cannot tell.

71Aman. You will not tell.

page I,34

72Lov. By all that's Sacred then, I did not ask.

73Aman. Nor do you know what company was with her?

74Lov. I do not.

75Aman. Then I am calm again.

76Lov. Why were you disturb'd?

77Aman. Had I then no Cause?

78Lov. None certainly.

79Aman. I thought I had.

80Lov. But you thought wrong, Amanda ; For turn the Case, and let it
81be your Story: shou'd you come home and tell me you had seen a handsome
82Man, shou'd I grow jealous, because you had Eyes?

83Aman. But shou'd I tell you, he were exquisitely so: That I had gaz'd
84on him with Admiration: That I had look'd with eager Eyes upon him,
85shou'd you not think 'twere possible I might go one step farther, and
86enquire his Name?

87Lov.
88( aside )
89 She has Reason on her side: I have talk'd too much: But
90I must turn it off another way.
91( To Aman. )
92 Will you then make no difference, Amanda , between the
93Language of our Sex and yours? There is a Modesty restrains your
94Tongues, which makes you speak by halves when you commend; but
95roving Flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us still speak double
96what we think: You shou'd not therefore, in so strict a sense, take what
97I said to her Advantage.

98Aman. Those flights of Flattery, Sir, are to our Faces only: When
99Women once are out of hearing, you are as modest in your Commendations
100as we are. But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses,
101if you please this Business shall rest here. Only give me leave to wish
102both for your Peace and mine, that you may never meet this Miracle of
103Beauty more.

104Lov. I am content.
105

106 Enter Servant.
107

108Serv. Madam, there's a young Lady at the Door in a Chair, desires to
109know whether your Ladyship sees Company. I think her Name is Berinthia .

110Aman. O dear! 'tis a Relation I have not seen this five Years. Pray
111her to walk in.
112( Exit Servant.
113To Lov. )
114 Here's another Beauty for you. She was young when I saw
115her last; but I hear she's grown extremely handsome.

116Lov. Don't you be jealous now; for I shall gaze upon her too.
117

118 Enter Berinthia.
119

120Lov.
121( aside )
122 Ha! By Heavens the very Woman.

123Ber.
124( saluting Aman. )
125 Dear Amanda , I did not expect to meet with you
126in Town.

page I,35

127Aman. Sweet Cousin, I'm over-joy'd to see you.
128( To Lov. )
129 Mr. Loveless ,
130here's a Relation and a Friend of mine, I desire you'll be better
131acquainted with.

132Lov.
133( saluting Ber. )
134 If my Wife never desires a harder thing, Madam,
135her Request will be easily granted.

136Ber.
137( to Aman. )
138 I think, Madam, I ought to wish you Joy.

139Aman. Joy! Upon what?

140Ber. Upon your Marriage: You were a Widow when I saw you last.

141Lov. You ought rather, Madam, to wish me Joy upon that, since I am
142the only Gainer.

143Ber. If she has got so good a Husband as the World reports, she has
144gain'd enough to expect the Complements of her Friends upon it.

145Lov. If the World is so favourable to me, to allow I deserve that Title,
146I hope 'tis so just to my Wife to own I derive it from her.

147Ber. Sir, it is so just to you both, to own you are, (and deserve to be,)
148the happiest Pair that live in it.

149Lov. I'm afraid we shall lose that Character, Madam, whenever you
150happen to change your Condition.
151

152 Enter Servant.
153

154Ser. Sir, my Lord Foppington presents his humble Service to you, and
155desires to know how you do. He but just now heard you were in Town.
156He's at the next door; and if it be not inconvenient, he'll come and wait
157upon you.

158Lov. Lord Foppington ! - I know him not.

159Ber. Not his Dignity, perhaps, but you do his Person. 'Tis Sir Novelty ;
160he has bought a Barony in order to marry a great Fortune: His Patent
161has not been pass'd eight-and-forty Hours, and he has already sent How-do-ye's
162to all the Town, to make 'em acquainted with his Title.

163Lov. Give my Service to his Lordship, and let him know, I am proud
164of the Honour he intends me.
165( Ex. Ser. )
166 Sure this Addition of Quality,
167must have so improv'd this Coxcomb, he can't but be very good Company
168for a quarter of an Hour.

169Aman. Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth, to see a Man whom
170Nature has made no Fool, be so very industrious to pass for an Ass.

171Lov. No, there you are wrong, Amanda ; you shou'd never bestow your
172pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt. Pity those whom
173Nature abuses but never those who abuse Nature.

174Ber. Besides, the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chief Diversions,
175if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool.

176Aman. I cou'd never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part with any
177of its diversions, for the sake of their being Crimes; but I have seen it
178very fond of some, I think, had little else to recommend 'em.

page I,36

179Ber. I doubt, Amanda , you are grown its Enemy, you speak with so
180much warmth against it.

181Aman. I must confess I am not much its Friend.

182Ber. Then give me leave to make you mine, by not engaging in its
183Quarrel.

184Aman. You have many stronger Claims than that, Berinthia , whenever
185you think fit to plead your Title.

186Lov. You have done well to engage a Second, my Dear; for hehere comes
187one will be apt to call you to an account for your Country-Principles.
188

189 Enter Lord Foppington.
190

191Lord Fop.
192( to Lov. )
193 Sir, I am your most humble Servant.

194Lov. I wish you Joy, my Lord.

195Lord Fop. O Lard, Sir - Madam, your Ladyship's welcome to
196Tawn.

197Aman. I wish your Lordship Joy.

198Lord Fop. O Heavens, Madam -

199Lov. My Lord, this young Lady is a Relation of my Wives.

200Lord Fop.
201( saluting her. )
202    The beautifull'st Race of People upon Earth:
203Rat me. Dear Loveless , I am overjoy'd to see you have braught your
204Family to Tawn again; I am, stap my Vitals -
205( Aside. )
206    Far I design
207to lye with your Wife.
208( To Aman. )
209    Far Gad's sake, Madam, haw has
210your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the Fatigue of a
211Country Life?

212Aman. My Life has been very far from that, my Lord; it has been a
213very quiet one.

214Lord Fop. Why, that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: For 'tis impossible
215to be quiet, without thinking: Now thinking is to me, the greatest
216Fatigue in the World.

217Aman. Does not your Lordship love reading then?

218Lord Fop. Oh, passionately, Madam - But I never think of what
219I read.

220Ber. Why, can your Lordship read without thinking?

221Lord Fop. O Lard - Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion -
222Madam?

223Aman. Well, I must own I think Books the best Entertainment in the
224World.

225Lord Fop. I am so much of your Ladyship's Mind, Madam; that I have
226a private Gallery (where I walk sometimes) is furnish'd with nothing but
227Books and Looking-glasses. Madam, I have guilded 'em, and rang'd 'em,
228so prettily, before Gad, it is the most entertaining thing in the World to
229walk and look upon 'em.

page I,37

230Aman. Nay, I love a neat Library too; but 'tis, I think, the Inside of
231a Book shou'd recommend it most to us.

232Lord Fop. That, I must confess, I am nat altogether so fand of. Far
233to mind the inside of a Book, is to entertain ones self with the forc'd
234Product of another Man's Brain. Naw I think a Man of Quality and
235Breeding may be much diverted with the Natural Sprauts of his own. But
236to say the truth, Madam, let a Man love reading never so well, when once
237he comes to know this Tawn, he finds so many better ways of passing away
238the Four and Twenty Hours, that 'twere Ten Thousand pities he shou'd
239consume his time in that. Far example, Madam, my Life; my Life,
240Madam, is a perpetual Stream of Pleasure, that glides thro' such a Variety
241of Entertainments, I believe the wisest of our Ancestors never had the least
242Conception of any of 'em.
243 I rise, Madam, about Ten a-Clock. I don't rise sooner, because 'tis the
244worst thing in the World for the Complexion; nat that I pretend to be
245a Beau; but a Man must endeavour to look wholesome, lest he makes so
246nauseous a Figure in the Side-bax, the Ladies shou'd be compell'd to turn
247their Eyes upon the Play. So at Ten o'clock I say I rise. Naw if I find
248'tis a good Day, I resalve to take a Turn in the Park, and see the fine
249Women; so huddle on my Cloaths, and get dress'd by One. If it be nasty
250Weather, I take a Turn in the Chocolate-hause; where, as you walk,
251Madam, you have the prettiest Prospect in the World; you have Looking-glasses
252all round you - But I'm afraid I tire the Company.

253Ber. Not at all. Pray go on.

254Lord Fop.     Why then, Ladies, from thence I go to Dinner at Lacket's ,
255and there you are so nicely and delicately serv'd, that, stap my Vitals, they
256shall compose you a Dish, no bigger than a Saucer, shall come to fifty
257Shillings.
258    Between eating my Dinner, (and washing my Mauth, Ladies) I spend
259my time, till I go to the Play; where, till Nine a-Clack, I entertain my self
260with looking upon the Company; and usually dispose of one Hour more
261in leading them aut. So there's twelve of the Four-and-Twenty pretty
262well over.
263    The other Twelve, Madam, are dispos'd of in Two Articles: In the
264first Four, I toast my self drunk, and in t'other Eight I sleep my self sober
265again. Thus, Ladies, you see my Life is an eternal raund O of Delights.

266Lov. 'Tis a heavenly one, indeed!

267Aman. But, my Lord, you Beaux spend a great deal of your Time in
268Intrigues: You have given us no Account of them yet.

269Lord Fop.
270( aside. )
271 Soh, she wou'd enquire into my Amours - That's
272Jealousie - She begins to be in love with me.
273( To Aman. )
274 Why,
275Madam - as to time for my Intrigues, I usually make Detachments of
276it from my other Pleasures, according to the Exigency: Far your Ladyship

page I,38

277may please to take notice, that those who intrigue with Women of
278Quality, have rarely occasion far above half an Hour at a time: People of
279that Rank being under those Decorums, they can seldom give you a langer
280View, than will just serve to shoot 'em flying. So that the Course of my
281other Pleasures is not very much interrupted by my Amours.

282Lov. But your Lordship now is become a Pillar of the State; you must
283attend the weighty Affairs of the Nation.

284Lord Fop. Sir - as to weighty Affairs - I leave them to weighty
285Heads. I never intend mine shall be a Burthen to my Body.

286Lov. O, but you'll find the House will expect your Attendance.

287Lord Fop. Sir, you'll find the House will compound for my Appearance.

288Lov. But your Friends will take it ill if you don't attend their particular
289Causes.

290Lord Fop. Not, Sir, if I come time enough to give 'em my particular
291Vote.

292Ber. But pray, my Lord, how do you dispose of yourself on Sundays ;
293for that, methinks, shou'd hang wretchedly on your hands.

294Lord Fop. Why, Faith, Madam - Sunday - is a vile day, I must
295confess. I intend to move for leave to bring in a Bill, That the Players
296may work upon it, as well as the Hackney Coaches. Tho' this I must say
297for the Government, it leaves us the Churches to entertain us - But then
298again, they begin so abominable early, a Man must rise by Candle-light
299to get dress'd by the Psalm.

300Ber. Pray which Church does your Lordship most oblige with your
301Presence?

302Lord Fop. Oh, St. James's , Madam - There's much the best
303Company.

304Aman. Is there good Preaching too?

305Lord Fop. Why, Faith, Madam - I can't tell. A Man must have
306very little to do there, that can give an Account of the Sermon.

307Ber. You can give us an Account of the Ladies, at least.

308Lord Fop. Or I deserve to be excommunicated - There is my Lady
309Tattle, my Lady Prate , my Lady Titter , my Lady Leer , my Lady Giggle ,
310and my Lady Grin . These sit in the Front of the Boxes, and all Churchtime
311are the prettiest Company in the World, stap my Vitals.
312( To Aman. )
313 Mayn't we hope for the Honour to see your Ladyship added to our Society,
314Madam?

315Aman. Alas, my Lord, I am the worst Company in the World at
316Church: I'm apt to mind the Prayers, or the Sermon, or -

317Lord Fop. One is indeed strangely apt at Church to mind what one
318should not do. But I hope, Madam, at one time or other, I shall have
319the Honour to lead your Ladyship to your Coach there.
320( Aside )
321 Methinks
322she seems strangely pleas'd with every thing I say to her - 'Tis a vast

page I,39

323Pleasure to receive Encouragement from a Woman before her Husband's
324Face - I have a good mind to pursue my Conquest, and speak the thing
325plainly to her at once - I'gad, I'll do't, and that in so Cavallier a manner,
326she shall be surpriz'd at it - Ladies, I'll take my Leave; I'm afraid I
327begin to grow troublesome with the length of my Visit.

328Aman. Your Lordship's too entertaining to grow troublesome any where.

329Lord Fop.
330( aside. )
331    That now was as much as if she had said - Pray
332lie with me. I'll let her see I'm quick of Apprehension.
333( To Aman. )
334    O Lard, Madam, I had like to have forgot a Secret, I must needs tell your
335Ladyship.
336( To Lov. )
337    Ned, you must not be so jealous now as to listen.

338Lov. Not I, my Lord; I'm too fashionable a Husband to pry into the
339Secrets of my Wife.

340Lord Fop.
341( to Aman. squeezing her Hand )
342 I am in love with you to
343Desperation, strike me speechless.

344Aman.
345( giving him a Box o' th' Ear. )
346 Then thus I return your Passion;
347An impudent Fool!

348Lord Fop. Gad's Curse, Madam, I'm a Peer of the Realm.

349Lov. Hey; what the Devil do you affront my Wife, Sir? Nay then -
350( They draw and fight. The Women run shrieking for Help. )

351Aman. Ah! What has my Folly done? Help; Murder, help: Part
352'em for Heaven's sake.

353Lord Fop.
354( falling back, and leaning upon his Sword. )
355 Ah - quite thro'
356the Body - Stap my Vitals.
357

358Enter Servants.
359

360Lov.
361( running to him. )
362 I hope I han't kill'd the Fool however - Bear
363him up! Where's your Wound?

364Lord Fop. Just thro' the Guts.

365Lov. Call a Surgeon there: Unbutton him quickly.

366Lord Fop. Ay, pray make haste.

367Lov. This Mischief you may thank your self for.

368Lord Fop. I may so - Love's the Devil indeed, Ned .
369

370 Enter Serringe and Servant .
371

372Serv. Here's Mr Serringe , Sir, was just going by the Door.

373Lord Fop. He's the welcom'st Man alive.

374Ser. Stand by, stand by, stand by. Pray, Gentlemen stand by. Lord
375have mercy upon us, did you never see a Man run thro' the Body before?
376Pray stand by.

377Lord Fop. Ah, Mr. Serringe - I'm a dead Man.

378Ser. A dead Man, and I by - I shou'd laugh to see that, I'gad.

379Lov. Prithee don't stand prating, but look upon his Wound.

380Ser. Why, what if I won't look upon his Wound this Hour, Sir?

381Lov. Why then he'll bleed to Death, Sir.

page I,40

382Ser. Why, then I'll fetch him to Life again, Sir.

383Lov. 'Slife, he's run thro' the Guts, I tell thee.

384Ser. Wou'd he were run thro' the Heart, I shou'd get the more Credit
385by his Cure. Now I hope you are satisfy'd? - Come, now let me come
386at him; now let me come at him.
387( Viewing his Wound. )
388 Oons, what a
389Gash is here? - Why, Sir, a Man may drive a Coach and Six Horses
390into your Body.

391Lord Fop. Ho -

392Ser. Why, what the Devil, have you run the Gentleman thro' with a
393Sythe -
394( Aside. )
395 A little Prick between the Skin and the Ribs,
396that's all.

397Lov. Let me see his Wound.

398Ser. Then you shall dress it, Sir; for if any body looks upon it, I won't.

399Lov. Why, thou art the veriest Coxcomb I ever saw.

400Ser. Sir, I am not Master of my Trade for nothing.

401Lord Fop. Surgeon.

402Ser. Well, Sir.

403Lord Fop. Is there any Hopes?

404Ser. Hopes? - I can't tell - What are you willing to give for your
405Cure?

406Lord Fop. Five hundred Paunds with Pleasure.

407Ser. Why then, perhaps there may be Hopes. But we must avoid
408farther Delay. Here; help the Gentleman into a Chair, and carry him to
409my House presently, that's the properest place
410( Aside. )
411 to bubble him out
412of his Money. Come, a Chair, a Chair quickly - there, in with him.
413( They put him into a Chair. )

414Lord Fop. Dear Loveless - Adieu. If I die - I forgive thee; and
415if I live - I hope thou'lt do as much by me. I am very sorry you and
416I shou'd quarrel; but I hope here's an end on't, for if you are satisfy'd -
417I am.

418Lov. I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any farther, so you
419may be at rest, Sir.

420Lord Fop. Thou art a generous Fellow, strike me Dumb.
421( Aside. )
422 But
423thou hast an impertinent Wife, stap my Vitals.

424Ser. So, carry him off, carry him off, we shall have him prate himself
425into a Fever by and by; carry him off.
426( Ex. Serv. with Lord Fop .)

427Aman. Now on my Knees, my Dear, let me ask your pardon for my
428Indiscretion, my own I never shall obtain.

429Lov. O! there's no harm done: You serv'd him well.

430Aman. He did indeed deserve it. But I tremble to think how dear my
431indiscreet Resentment might have cost you.

432Lov. O no matter; never trouble your-self about that.

433Ber. For Heaven's sake, what was't he did to you?

page I,41

434Aman. O nothing; he only squeez'd me kindly by the Hand, and
435frankly offer'd me a Coxcomb's Heart. I know I was to blame to resent
436it as I did, since nothing but a Quarrel cou'd ensue. But the Fool so
437surpriz'd me with his Insolence, I was not Mistress of my Fingers.

438Ber. Now I dare swear, he thinks you had 'em at great Command, they
439obey'd you so readily.

page I,57

440

SCENE III, A COUNTRY-HOUSE.

441
442 Enter Young Fashion and Lory.
443

444Y. Fash. So, here's our Inheritance, Lory , if we can but get into Possession.
445But methinks, the Seat of our Family looks like
446Noah's Ark, as if the chief part on't were design'd for the Fowls of the
447Air, and the Beasts of the Field.

448Lo. Pray, Sir, don't let your Head run upon the Orders of Building
449here; get but the Heiress, let the Devil take the House.

450Y. Fash. Get but the House, let the Devil take the Heiress, I say; at
451least if she be as old Coupler describes her. But come, we have no time
452to squander. Knock at the Door.
453(Lory knocks two or three times .)
454 What
455the Devil, have they got no Ears in this House? Knock harder.

456Lo. Igad, Sir, this will prove some Inchanted Castle; we shall have
457the Gyant come out by and by with his Club, and beat our Brains out.
458( Knocks again. )

459Y. Fash. Hush; they come.
460( From within. )
461 Who is there?

462Lo. Open the Door and see: Is that your Country Breeding?

463Within.
464Ay, but two Words to a Bargain: Tummas , is the Blunderbus
465prim'd?

466Y. Fash. Oons, give 'em good Words, Lory ; we shall be shot here a
467Fortune catching.

468Lo. Igad, Sir, I think y'are in the right on't. Ho, Mr. What d'ye
469call 'um. -
470( Servant appears at the Window with a Blunderbus )
471 Weall, naw what's
472yare business?

473Y. Fash. Nothing, Sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly , with your leave.

page I,58

474Ser. To weat upon Sir Tunbelly ? Why, you'll find that's just as Sir
475Tunbelly pleases.

476Y. Fash. But will you do me the Favour, Sir, to know whether Sir
477Tunbelly pleases or not?

478Ser. Why, look you, do you see, with good words much may be done.
479Ralph, go thy weas, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to be waited upon.
480And, do'st hear? call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss Hoyden before
481the Geats open.

482Y. Fash. D'ye hear that, Lory ?

483Lo. Ay, Sir, I'm afraid we shall find a difficult Job on't. Pray Heaven
484that Old Rogue Coupler han't sent us to fetch Milk out of the Gunroom.

485Y. Fash. I'll warrant thee all will go well: See; the Door opens.
486

487 Enter Sir Tunbelly, with his Servants, Arm'd with
488Guns, Clubs, Pitchforks, Sythes, &c.
489

490Lo.
491( running behind his Master. )
492 O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, we are both
493dead Men.

494Y. Fash. Take heed, Fool, thy Fear will ruine us.

495Lo. My Fear, Sir; 'Sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing.
496( aside. )
497 Wou'd I were
498well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond.

499Sir Tun. Who is it here has any business with me?

500Y. Fash. Sir, 'tis I, if your Name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsey .

501Sir Tun. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsey , whither you have any
502business with me or not. So you see I am not asham'd of my Name -
503nor my Face neither.

504Y. Fash. Sir, you have no Cause, that I know of.

505Sir Tun. Sir, if you have no Cause neither, I desire to know who you
506are; for till I know your Name, I shall not ask you to come into my
507House; and when I know your Name - 'tis six to four I don't ask you
508neither.

509Y. Fash.
510( giving him a Letter. )
511 Sir, I hope you'll find this Letter an
512Authentick Passport.

513Sir Tun.     Cod's my life I ask your Lordship's Pardon Ten Thousand
514times.
515( To his Servants. )
516    Here run in a-doors quickly: Get a Scotch Coal
517Fire in the Great Parlour; set all the Turkey-work Chairs in their places;
518get the great Brass Candlesticks out, and be sure stick the Sockets full
519of Laurel, run.
520( Turning to Young Fash.)
521    My Lord, I ask your Lordship's
522Pardon.
523( To other Servants. )
524    And do you hear, run away to Nurse,
525bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again, and if it was not shifting Day, let
526her put on a clean Tucker, quick.
527( Exeunt Servants confusedly.
528To Young Fash.)
529    I hope your Honour will excuse the disorder of my
530Family, we are not us'd to receive Men of your Lordship's great Quality
531every day; pray where are your Coaches and Servants, my Lord?

page I,59

532Y. Fash. Sir, that I might give you and your fair Daughter a proof how
533impatient I am to be nearer a kin to you, I left my Equipage to follow
534me, and came away Post, with only one Servant.

535Sir Tun. Your Lordship does me too much honour, it was exposing
536your Person to too much Fatigue and Danger, I protest it was; but my
537Daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can; and tho'
538I say it, that shou'd not say it - Hoyden has Charms.

539Y. Fash. Sir, I am not a Stranger to them, tho' I am to her. Common
540Fame has done her Justice.

541Sir Tun. My Lord, I am Common Fame's very grateful humble Servant.
542My Lord - my Girl's young, Hoyden is young, my Lord; but
543this I must say for her, what she wants in Art, she has by Nature; what
544she wants in Experience, she has in Breeding; and what's wanting in her
545Age, is made good in her Constitution. So pray, my Lord, walk in; pray
546my Lord, walk in.

547Y. Fash. Sir, I wait upon you.
548( Exeunt. )

549

550

SCENE IV. A ROOM IN THE SAME.

551
552Miss Hoyden sola.
553

554 Sure never no body was us'd as I am. I know well enough what other
555Girls do, for all they think to make a Fool of me: It's well I have a
556Husband a coming, or Icod, I'd marry the Baker, I wou'd so. No body
557can knock at the Gate, but presently I must be lockt up; and here's the
558young Greyhound Bitch can run loose about the House all the day long,
559she can; 'tis very well.
560

561 Nurse without, opening the Door .
562

563 Miss Hoyden , Miss, Miss, Miss; Miss Hoyden .
564

565 Enter Nurse.
566

567Miss. Well, what do you make such a Noise for, ha? What do you
568din a Bodies Ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?

569Nurse. What do I din your Ears for? Here's one come will din your
570Ears for you.

571Miss. What care I who's come; I care not a Fig who comes, nor who
572goes, as long as I must be lock'd up like the Ale-Cellar.

573Nurse. That, Miss, is for fear you shou'd be drank before you are Ripe.

574Miss. O, don't you trouble your Head about that; I'm as Ripe as you,
575tho' not so Mellow.

page I,60

576Nurse. Very well; now I have a good mind to lock you up again, and
577not let you see my Lord to-night.

578Miss. My Lord? Why is my Husband come?

579Nurse. Yes, marry is he, and a goodly Person, too.

580Miss.
581( hugging Nurse. )
582 O my dear Nurse , forgive me this once, and
583I'll
584never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three thumps on
585the Back, and a great pinch by the Cheek.

586Nurse. Ah the poor Thing, see how it melts; it's as full of good Nature
587as an Egg's full of Meat.

588Miss. But, my dear Nurse , don't lie now; is he come by your troth?

589Nurse. Yes, by my truly, is he.

590Miss. O Lord! I'll go and put on my Lac'd Smock, tho' I am whipt
591till the Blood run down my Heels for't.
592( Exit running. )

593Nurse. Eh - the Lord succour thee, how thou art delighted.
594( Exit after her. )

595

596

SCENE V. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.

597
598 Enter Sir Tunbelly and Young Fashion. A Servant
599with Wine.
600

601Sir Tun. My Lord, I am proud of the Honour to see your Lordship
602within my Doors; and I humbly crave leave to bid you welcome in a Cup
603of Sack Wine.

604Y. Fash. Sir, to your Daughter's Health.
605( Drinks. )

606Sir Tun. Ah poor Girl, she'll be scar'd out of her Wits on her Wedding
607Night; for, honestly speaking, she does not know a Man from a
608Woman, but by his Beard, and his Britches.

609Y. Fash. Sir, I don't doubt she has a Vertuous Education, which with
610the rest of her Merit, makes me long to see her mine. I wish you wou'd
611dispense with the Canonical Hour, and let it be this very Night.

612Sir Tun. O not so soon neither; that's shooting my Girl before you
613bid her stand. No, give her fair warning; we'll Sign and Seal to Night
614if you please; and this Day seven-night - let the Jade look to her
615Quarters.

616Y. Fash. This Day Sennight - Why, what do you take me for a
617Ghost, Sir?
618Aside IN THE EDITION THE WORD Aside APPEARS AFTER THE WORDS a month with her
619'Slife, Sir, I'm made of Flesh and Blood, and Bones and Sinews, and can
620no more live a Week without your Daughter - Than I can live a Month
621with her.

622Sir Tun. Oh, I'll warrant you my Hero, young Men are hot I know,

page I,61

623but they don't boyl over at that rate, neither; besides, my Wenches
624Wedding Gown is not come home yet.

625Y. Fash.     O, no matter, Sir, I'll take her in her Shift.
626( Aside. )
627    A Pox
628of this Old Fellow, he'll delay the business till my damn'd Star finds me
629out, and discovers me.
630(To Sir Tun.)
631    Pray, Sir, let it be done without a Ceremony, 'twill save
632Money.

633Sir Tun. Money - Save Money when Hoyden's to be married? Udswoons
634I'll give my Wench a Wedding-Dinner, tho' I go to Grass with
635the King of Assyria for't, and such a Dinner it shall be, as is not to be
636Cook'd in the Poaching of an Egg. Therefore, my Noble Lord, have a
637little Patience, we'll go and look over our Deeds and Settlements immediately;
638and as for your Bride, tho' you may be sharp set before she's
639quite ready, I'll engage for my Girl, she stays your Stomach at last.
640( Exeunt. )

641

642

ACT IV. SCENE I.

643
644 A Room in Sir Tunbelly Clumsey's Country House .
645
646 Enter Miss Hoyden and Nurse.
647

648Nurse. Well Miss , how do you like your Husband that is to be?

649Miss. O Lord, Nurse , I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce
650contain my self.

651Nurse. O, but you must have a care of being too fond, for Men now
652a days hate a Woman that loves 'em.

653Miss. Love him? Why do you think I love him, Nurse ? ICod, I would
654not care if he were hang'd, so I were but once Married to him - No
655- that which pleases me, is to think what work I'll make when I get
656to London ; for when I am a Wife and a Lady both Nurse , ICod, I'll
657flant it with the best of 'em.

658Nurse. Look, look, if his Honour be not a coming to you; now if I
659were sure you wou'd behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me
660that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together.

661Miss. That's my best Nurse, do as you wou'd be done by; trust us
662together this once; and if I don't shew my Breeding from the head to
663the foot of me, may I be twice Married, and die a Maid.

664Nurse. Well, this once I'll venture you; but if you disparage me -

665Miss. Never fear, I'll shew him my Parts, I'll warrant him.
666( Exit Nurse. )
667
668Sola.
669
670 These old women are so wise when they get a poor Girl in their

page I,62

671Clutches; but e'er it be long, I shall know what's what, as well as
672the best of 'em.
673

674 Enter Young Fashion.
675

676Y. Fash. Your Servant, Madam, I'm glad to find you alone, for I have
677something of Importance to speak to you about.

678Miss. Sir, (my Lord, I meant) you may speak to me about what you
679please, I shall give you a Civil Answer.

680Y. Fash. You give me so obliging a one, it encourages me to tell you
681in few words, what I think both for your interest and mine. Your Father,
682I suppose you know, has resolv'd to make me happy in being your
683Husband, and I hope I may depend upon your Consent, to perform what
684he desires.

685Miss. Sir, I never disobey my Father in any thing, but eating of green
686Gooseberries.

687Y. Fash. So good a Daughter must needs be an admirable Wife; I am
688therefore impatient 'till you are mine; and hope you will so far consider
689the violence of my Love, that you won't have the Cruelty to defer my
690Happiness so long as your Father designs it.

691Miss. Pray, my Lord, how long is it?

692Y. Fash. Madam, a thousand year - a whole Week.

693Miss. A week - why, I shall be an old Woman by that time.

694Y. Fash. And I an old Man, which you'll find a greater Misfortune
695than t'other.

696Miss. Why I thought 'twas to be to morrow morning, as soon as I was
697up; I'm sure Nurse told me so.

698Y. Fash. And it shall be to morrow Morning still, if you'll consent?

699Miss. If I'll consent? Why I thought I was to obey you as my
700Husband?

701Y. Fash. That's when we are Married; 'till then, I am to obey you.

702Miss. Why then if we are to take it by turns, it's the same thing; I'll
703obey you now, and when we are Married, you shall obey me.

704Y. Fash. With all my heart, but I doubt we must get Nurse on our side,
705or we shall hardly prevail with the Chaplain.

706Miss. No more we shan't indeed, for he loves her better than he loves
707his Pulpit, and wou'd always be a preaching to her, by his good will.

708Y. Fash. Why then my dear little Bedfellow, if you'll call her hither,
709we'll try to perswade her presently.

710Miss. O Lord, I can tell you a way how to perswade her to any thing.

711Y. Fash. How's that?

712Miss. Why tell her she's a wholesom, Comely Woman - and give
713her Half a Crown.

714Y. Fash. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of 'em.

page I,63

715Miss. O Gemini, for half that she'd Marry you herself: I'll run and
716call her.
717( Exit Miss.)
718

719 Young Fashion solus.
720

721 So, Matters go swimmingly; this is a rare Girl, I'faith; I shall have
722a fine time on't with her at London ; I'm much mistaken, if she don't
723prove a March Hare all the year round. What a scamp'ring Chace will
724she make on't, when she finds the whole Kennel of Beaux at her Tail!
725Hey to the Park and the Play, and the Church, and the Devil; she'll shew
726'em sport I'll warrant 'em. But no matter, she brings an Estate will afford
727me a separate Maintenance.
728

729 Enter Miss and Nurse.
730

731Y. Fash. How do you do, good Mistress Nurse; I desir'd your young
732Lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your
733extraordinary Care and Conduct in her Education; pray accept of this
734small Acknowledgement for it at present, and depend upon my farther
735kindness, when I shall be that happy thing her Husband.

736Nurse.
737( aside. )
738    Gold by makings, your Honour's goodness is too great;
739alas, all I can boast of is, I gave her pure good Milk, and so your Honour
740wou'd have said, an you had seen how the poor thing suck't it - Eh,
741God's Blessing on the sweet Face on't; how it us'd to hang at this poor
742Tett, and suck and squeeze, and kick and sprawl it wou'd, till the Belly
743on't was so full, it wou'd drop off like a Leech.
744(Miss to Nurse, taking her angrily aside .)
745    Pray one word with you; prithee Nurse don't stand ripping up Old
746Stories, to make one asham'd before one's Love; do you think such a fine
747proper Gentleman as he, cares for a fiddlecome Tale of a draggle-tail'd
748Girl; if you have a mind to make him have a good Opinion of a Woman,
749don't tell him what one did then, tell him what one can do now.
750( To Y. Fash. )
751    I hope your Honour will excuse my mismanners to
752whisper before you, it was only to give some Orders about the Family.

753Y. Fash. O every thing, Madam, is to give way to Business; besides,
754good Housewifery is a very commendable Quality in a young Lady.

755Miss. Pray Sir, are the young Ladies good Housewives at London Town?
756Do they darn their own Linnen?

757Y. Fash. O no, they study how to spend Money, not to save it.

758Miss. I'Cod, I don't know but that may be better Sport than t'other,
759ha, Nurse.

760Y. Fash. Well, you shall have your Choice when you come there.

761Miss. Shall I? - then by my troth I'll get there as fast as I can.
762(To Nurse .)
763 His Honour desires you'll be so kind, as to let us be
764Married to Morrow.

765Nurse. To Morrow, my dear Madam?

page I,64

766Y. Fash. Yes, to Morrow sweet Nurse; privately; young Folks you
767know are impatient, and Sir Tunbelly wou'd make us stay a Week for a
768Wedding-Dinner. Now all things being Sign'd, and Seal'd, and Agreed,
769I fancy there cou'd be no great harm in practising a Scene or two of Matrimony
770in private, if it were only to give us the better assurance when we
771come to play it in publick.

772Nurse. Nay, I must confess stolen Pleasures are sweet; but if you shou'd be
773married now, what will you do when Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be wedd?

774Miss. Why then we will be married again.

775Nurse. What, twice my Child?

776Miss. ICod, I don't care how often I'm Married, not I.

777Y. Fash. Pray Nurse don't you be against your young Lady's good;
778for by this means she'll have the pleasure of two Wedding-Days.
779( Miss to Nurse softly. )
780 And of two Wedding-Nights too, Nurse.

781Nurse. Well, I'm such a tender-hearted Fool, I find I can refuse
782nothing; so you shall e'en follow your own Inventions.

783Miss. Shall I?
784( Aside. )
785 O Lord, I cou'd leap over the Moon.

786Y. Fash. Dear Nurse, this goodness of yours shan't go unrewarded;
787but now you must employ your power with Mr. Bull the Chaplain, that
788he may do us his Friendly Office too, and then we shall all be happy; do
789you think you can prevail with him?

790Nurse. Prevail with him - or he shall never prevail with me, I can
791tell him that.

792Miss. My Lord, she has had him upon the hip this seven year.

793Y. Fash. I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your interest with
794him, you may let him know I have several fat Livings in my Gift, and
795that the first that falls shall be in your disposal.

796Nurse. Nay, then I'll make him Marry more Folks than one, I'll
797promise him.

798Miss. Faith do Nurse, make him marry you too, I'm sure he'll do't for
799a fat Living; for he loves Eating more than he loves his Bible; and I
800have often heard him say, a fat Living was the best Meat in the World.

801Nurse. Ay, and I'll make him commend the Sauce too, or I'll bring his
802Gown to a Cassock, I will so.

803Y. Fash. Well Nurse, whilst you go and settle Matters with him, your
804Lady and I will go take a walk in the Garden.

805Nurse. I'll do your Honour's business in the catching up of a Garter.
806( Exit Nurse. )

807Y. Fash.
808( Giving her his Hand. )
809 Come, Madam, dare you venture your
810self alone with me?

811Miss. O dear, yes, Sir, I don't think you'll do any thing to me I need
812be afraid on.

813 ( Exeunt. )