6Mist. Page.     What, haue scap'd Loue-letters in the
7holly day-time of my beauty, and am I now a subiect
8for them? let me see?
9
10    Aske me no reason why I loue you, for though Loue vse Reason
11for his precisian, hee admits him not for his Counsailour:
12you are not yong, no more am I: goe to then, there's simpathie:
13you are merry, so am I: ha, ha, then there's more simpathie:
14you loue sacke, and so do I: would you desire better simpathie?
15Let it suffice thee, (Mistris Page) at the least if the Loue of
16Souldier can suffice, that I loue thee: I will not say pitty mee,
17'tis not a Souldier-like phrase; but I say, loue me:
18By me, thine owne true Knight, by day or night:
19Or any kinde of light, with all his might,
20For thee to fight. Iohn Falstaffe.
21
22    What a Herod of Iurie is this? O wicked, wicked world:
23One that is well-nye worne to peeces with age
24To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaled
25Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with
26The Deuills name) out of my conuersation, that he dares
27In this manner assay me? why, hee hath not beene thrice
28In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then
29Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile
30Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe
31of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd I
32will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

33Mis Ford.     Mistris Page , trust me, I was going to your
34house.

35Mis Page.     And trust me, I was comming to you: you
36looke very ill.

37Mis. Ford.     Nay, Ile nere beleeue EDITION: beleeee that; I haue to shew
38you to the contrary.

39Mis. Page.     'Faith but you doe in my minde.

40Mis. Ford.     Well: I doe then: yet I say, I could shew
41you to the contrary: O Mistris Page , giue mee some
42counsaile.

43Mis. Page.     What's the matter, woman?

44Mi. Ford.     O woman: if it were not for one trifling respect,
45I could come to such honour.

46Mi. Page.     Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour:
47what is it? dispence with trifles: what is it?

48Mi. Ford.     If I would but goe to hell, for an eternall
49moment, or so: I could be knighted.

50Mi. Page.     What thou liest? Sir Alice Ford ? these
51Knights will hacke, and so thou should not alter the article
52of thy Gentry.

53Mi. Ford.     Wee burne day-light: heere, read, read:
54perceiue how I might bee knighted, I shall thinke the
55worse of fat men, as long as I haue an eye to make difference
56of mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:

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57praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and welbehaued
58reproofe to al vncomelinesse, that I would haue
59sworne his disposition would haue gone to the truth of
60his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep place
61together, then the hundred Psalms to the tune of Greensleeues:
62What tempest (I tro:) threw this Whale, (with
63so many Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor?
64How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way
65were, to entertaine him with hope, till the wicked fire
66of lust haue melted him in his owne greace: Did you euer
67heare the like?

68Mis. Page.     Letter for letter; but that the name of
69Page and Ford differs: to thy great comfort in this mystery
70of ill opinions, heere's the twyn-brother of thy Letter:
71but let thine inherit first, for I protest mine neuer
72shall: I warrant he hath a thousand of these Letters, writ
73with blancke-space for different names (sure more): and
74these are of the second edition: hee will print them out
75of doubt: for he cares not what hee puts into the presse,
76when he would put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse,
77and lye vnder Mount Pelion : Well; I will find you twentie
78lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste man.

79Mis. Ford.     Why this is the very same: the very hand:
80the very words: what doth he thinke of vs?

81Mis. Page.     Nay I know not: it makes me almost readie
82to wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine
83my selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for
84sure vnlesse hee know some straine in mee, that I know
85not my selfe, hee would neuer haue boorded me in this
86furie.

87Mi. Ford.     Boording, call you it? Ile bee sure to keepe
88him aboue decke.

89Mi. Page.     So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches,
90Ile neuer to Sea againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's
91appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in
92his Suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till hee
93hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter.

94Mi. Ford.     Nay, I wil consent to act any villany against
95him, that may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh
96that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall
97food to his iealousie.

98Mis. Page.     Why look where he comes; and my good
99man too: hee's as farre from iealousie, as I am from giuing
100him cause, and that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable
101distance.

102Mis. Ford.     You are the happier woman.

103Mis. Page.     Let's consult together against this greasie
104Knight: Come hither.

105Ford.     Well: I hope, it be not so.

106Pist.     Hope is a curtall-dog in some affaires:
107Sir Iohn affects thy wife.

108Ford.     Why sir, my wife is not young.

109Pist.     He wooes both high and low, both rich & poor,
110both yong and old, one with another ( Ford ) he loues the
111Gally-mawfry ( Ford ) perpend.

112Ford.     Loue my wife?

113Pist.     With liuer, burning hot: preuent:
114Or goe thou like Sir Acteon he, with
115Ring-wood at thy heeles: O, odious is the name.

116Ford.     What name Sir?

117Pist.     The horne I say: Farewell:
118Take heed, haue open eye, for theeues doe foot by night.
119Take heed, ere sommer comes, or Cuckoo-birds do sing.
120Away sir Corporall Nim :
121Beleeue it ( Page ) he speakes sence.

122Ford.     I will be patient: I will find out this.

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123Nim.     And this is true: I like not the humor of lying:
124Hee hath wronged mee in some humors: I should haue
125borne the humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword:
126and it shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife;
127There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall
128Nim : I speak, and I auouch; 'tis true: my name is Nim :
129and Falstaffe loues your wife: adieu, I loue not the humour
130of bread and cheese: adieu.

131Page.     The humour of it (quoth'a?) heere's a fellow
132frights English out of his wits.

133Ford.     I will seeke out Falstaffe .

134Page.     I neuer heard such a drawling-affecting rogue.

135Ford.     If I doe finde it: well.

136Page.     I will not beleeue such a Cataian , though the
137Priest o' th'Towne commended him for a true man.

138Ford.     'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

139Page.     How now Meg ?

140Mist. Page.     Whether goe you ( George ?) harke you.

141Mis Ford.     How now (sweet Frank ) why art thou
142melancholy?

143Ford.     I melancholy? I am not melancholy:
144Get you home: goe.

145Mis. Ford.     Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head,
146Now: will you goe, Mistris Page ?

147Mis. Page.     Haue with you: you'll come to dinner
148George ? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall bee our
149Messenger to this paltrie Knight.

150Mis. Ford.     Trust me, I thought on her: shee'll fit it.

151Mis. Page.     You are come to see my daughter Anne ?

152Qui.     I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse
153Anne ?

154Mis. Page.     Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres
155talke with you.

156Page.     How now Master Ford?

157For.     You heard what this knaue told me, did you not?

158Page.     Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

159Ford.     Doe you thinke there is truth in them?

160Pag.     Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight
161would offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent
162towards our wiues, are a yoake of his discarded men: very
163rogues, now they be out of seruice.

164Ford.     Were they his men?

165Page.     Marry were they.

166Ford.     I like it neuer the beter for that,
167Do's he lye at the Garter?

168Page.     I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voyage
169toward my wife, I would turne her loose to him;
170and what hee gets more of her, then sharpe words, let it
171lye on my head.

172Ford.     I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee
173loath to turne them together: a man may be too confident:
174I would haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot
175be thus satisfied.

176Page.     Looke where my ranting Host of the Garter
177comes: there is eyther liquor in his pate, or mony in his
178purse, when hee lookes so merrily: How now mine
179Host?

180Host.     How now Bully-Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman
181Caueleiro Iustice, I say.

182Shal.     I follow, (mine Host) I follow: Good-euen,
183and twenty (good Master Page .) Master Page , wil you go
184with vs? we haue sport in hand.

185Host.     Tell him Caueleiro-Iustice: tell him
186Bully-Rooke.

187Shall.     Sir, there is a fray to be fought, betweene Sir
188Hugh the Welch Priest, and Caius the French Doctor.

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189Ford.     Good mine Host o' th'Garter: a word with you.

190Host.     What saist thou, my Bully-Rooke?

191Shal.     Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry
192Host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and (I
193thinke) hath appointed them contrary places: for (beleeue
194mee) I heare the Parson is no Iester: harke, I will
195tell you what our sport shall be.

196Host.     Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my
197guest-Caualeire?

198Shal.     None, I protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of
199burn'd sacke, to giue me recourse to him, and tell him
200my name is Broome : onely for a iest.

201Host.     My hand, (Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and
202regresse, (said I well?) and thy name shall be Broome . It
203is a merry Knight: will you goe An-heires?

204Shal.     Haue with you Mine Host.

205Page.     I haue heard the French-man hath good skill
206in his Rapier.

207Shal.     Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these
208times you stand on distance: your Passes, Stoccado's, and
209I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master Page ) 'tis heere,
210'tis heere: I haue seene the time with my long-sword, I
211would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like
212Rattes.

213Host.     Heere boyes, heere, heere: shall we wag?

214Page.     Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold,
215then fight.

216Ford.     Though Page be a secure foole, and stands so
217firmely on his wiues frailty; yet, I cannot put-off my opinion
218so easily: she was in his company at Pages house:
219and what they made there, I know not. Well, I wil looke
220further into't, and I haue a disguise, to sound Falstaffe ; if
221I finde her honest, I loose not my labor: if she be otherwise,
222'tis labour well bestowed.
223Exeunt.

230Fal.     I will not lend thee a penny.

231Pist.     Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I,
232with sword will open.

233Fal.     Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you
234should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon
235my good friends for three Repreeues for you, and
236your Coach-fellow Nim ; or else you had look'd through
237the grate, like a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in
238hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my friends, you were
239good Souldiers, and tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse
240Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I took't vpon mine honour
241thou hadst it not.

242Pist.     Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
243pence?

244Fal.     Reason, you roague, reason; thinkst thou Ile endanger
245my soule, gratis ? at a word, hang no more about
246mee, I am no gibbet for you: goe, a short knife, and a
247throng, to your Mannor of Pickt-hatch : goe, you'll not
248beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your
249honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much
250as I can doe to keepe the termes of my hononor precise:
251I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of heauen on

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252the left hand, and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am
253faine to shufflle: to hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you
254Rogue, will en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes,
255your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating-oathes,
256vnder the shelter of your honor: you
257will not doe it? you?

258Pist.     I doe relent: what would thou more of man?

259Robin.     Sir, here's a woman would speake with you.

260Fal.     Let her approach.

261Qui.     Giue your worship good morrow.

262Fal.     Good-morrow, good-wife.

263Qui.     Not so and't please your worship.

264Fal.     Good maid then.

265Qui.     Ile be sworne,
266As my mother was the first houre I was borne.

267Fal.     I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?

268Qui.     Shall I vouch-safe your worship a word, or
269two?

270Fal.     Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
271thee the hearing.

272Qui.     There is one Mistresse Ford , (Sir) I pray come a
273little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M. Doctor
274Caius :

275Fal.     Well, on; Mistresse Ford , you say.

276Qui.     Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship
277come a little neerer this waies.

278Fal.     I warrant thee, no-bodie heares: mine owne
279people, mine owne people.

280Qui.     Are they so? heauen-blesse them, and make
281them his Seruants.

282Fal.     Well; Mistresse Ford , what of her?

283Qui.     Why, Sir; shee's a good-creature; Lord, Lord,
284your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you,
285and all of vs, I pray - .

286Fal.     Mistresse Ford : come, Mistresse Ford .

287Qui.     Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you
288haue brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis wonderfull:
289the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay
290at Windsor ) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie:
291yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and Gentlemen,
292with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after
293Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly;
294all Muske, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silke
295and golde, and in such alligant termes, and in such wine
296and suger of the best, and the fairest, that would haue
297wonne any womans heart: and I warrant you, they could
298neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie
299Angels giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in
300any such sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and
301I warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe
302on a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has
303beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I
304warrant you all is one with her.

305Fal.     But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
306shee-Mercurie .

307Qui.     Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
308which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
309you to notifie, that her husband will be absence from his
310house, betweene ten and eleuen.

311Fal.     Ten, and eleuen.

312Qui.     I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the
313picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband
314will be from home: alas, the sweet woman leades
315an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads
316a very frampold life with him, (good hart.)

317Fal.     Ten, and eleuen.

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318Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her.

319Qui.     Why, you say well: But I haue another messenger
320to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie
321commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your
322eare, shee's as fartuous a ciuill modest wife, and one (I
323tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening
324prayer, as any is in Windsor , who ere bee the other: and
325shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldome
326from home, but she hopes there will come a time.
327I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
328thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth.

329Fal.     Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
330good parts aside, I haue no other charmes.

331Qui.     Blessing on your heart for't.

332Fal.     But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wife, and
333Pages wife acquainted each other, how they loue me?

334Qui.     That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
335grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page
336would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues:
337her husband has a maruellous infectio~ to the little Page:
338and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in
339Windsor leades a better life then she do's: doe what shee
340will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when
341she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she
342deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsor , she
343is one: you must send her your Page, no remedie.

344Fal.     Why, I will.

345Qu.     Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may
346come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue
347a nay-word, that you may know one anothers mide,
348and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for
349'tis not good that children should know any wickednes:
350olde folkes you know, haue discretion, as they say, and
351know the world.

352Fal.     Farethee-well, commend mee to them both:
353there's my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe along
354with this woman, this newes distracts me.

355Pist.     This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers,
356Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your fights:
357Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all.

358Fal.     Saist thou so (old Iacke ) go thy waies: Ile make
359more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet
360looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much
361money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee: let
362them say 'tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done, no
363matter.

364Bar.     Sir Iohn , there's one Master Broome below would
365faine speake with you, and be acquainted with you; and
366hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke.

367Fal.     Broome is his name?

368Bar.     I Sir.

369Fal.     Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee,
370that ore'flowes such liquor: ah ha, Mistresse Ford and Mistresse
371Page , haue I encompass'd you? goe to, via.

372Ford.     'Blesse you sir.

373Fal.     And you sir: would you speake with me?

374Ford.     I make bold, to presse, with so little preparation
375vpon you.

376Fal.     You'r welcome, what's your will? giue vs leaue
377Drawer.

378Ford.     Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much,
379my name is Broome .

380Fal.     Good Master Broome , I desire more acquaintance
381of you.

382Ford.     Good Sir Iohn , I sue for yours: not to charge
383you. for I must let you vnderstand, I thinke my selfe in

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384better plight for a Lender, then you are: the which hath
385something emboldned me to this vnseason'd intrution:
386for they say, if money goe before, all waies doe lye
387open.

388Fal.     Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on.

389Ford.     Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere troubles
390me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn ) take all,
391or halfe, for easing me of the carriage.

392Fal.     Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your
393Porter.

394Ford.     I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the
395hearing.

396Fal.     Speake (good Master Broome ) I shall be glad to
397be your Seruant.

398Ford.     Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
399with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me,
400though I had neuer so good means as desire, to make my
401selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
402you, wherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection:
403but (good sir Iohn ) as you haue one eye vpon
404my follies, as you heare them vnfolded, turne another
405into the Register of your owne, that I may passe with a
406reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it
407is to be such an offender.

408Fal.     Very well Sir, proceed.

409Ford.     There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her
410husbands name is Ford .

411Fal.     Well Sir.

412Ford.     I haue long lou'd her, and I protest to you, bestowed
413much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance:
414Ingross'd opportunities to meete her: fee'd euery
415slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee
416sight of her: not only bought many presents to giue her,
417but haue giuen largely to many, to know what shee
418would haue giuen: briefly, I haue pursu'd her, as Loue
419hath pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all
420occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my
421minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued
422none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue purchased
423at an infinite rate, and that hath taught mee to say
424this,
425
428

429Fal.     Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
430her hands?

431Ford.     Neuer.

432Fal.     Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?

433Ford.     Neuer

434Fal.     Of what qualitie was your loue then?

435Ford.     Like a fair house, built on another mans ground,
436so that I haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place,
437where I erected it.

438Fal.     To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?

439For.     When I haue told you that, I haue told you all:
440Some say, that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in
441other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there
442is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn ) here
443is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
444breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
445authenticke in your place and person, generally
446allow'd for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
447preparations.

448Fal.     O Sir.

449Ford.     Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money,
450spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely

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451giue me so much of your time in enchange of it, as to lay
452an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse
453your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
454man may, you may as soone as any.

455Fal.     Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
456affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes
457you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously.

458Ford.     O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
459on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule
460dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
461against. Now, could I come to her with any detection
462in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to
463commend themselues, I could driue her then from the
464ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
465and a thousand other her defences, which now are too -
466too strongly embattaild against me: what say you too't,
467Sir Iohn ?

468Fal.     Master Broome , I will first make bold with your
469money: next, giue mee your hand: and last, as I am a
470gentleman, you shall, if you will, enioy Fords wife.

471Ford.     O good Sir.

472Fal.     I say you shall.

473Ford.     Want no money (Sir Iohn ) you shall want none.

474Fal.     Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome ) you shall
475want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
476owne appointment, euen as you came in to me, her assistant,
477or goe-betweene, parted from me: I say I shall be
478with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the
479iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come
480you to me at night, you shall know how I speed.

481Ford.     I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
482Ford Sir?

483Fal.     Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
484him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say
485the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of money, for
486the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse
487her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer, & ther's
488my haruest-home.

489Ford.     I would you knew Ford sir, that you might auoid
490him, if you saw him.

491Fal.     Hang him, mechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil
492stare him out of his wits: I will awe him with my cudgell:
493it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns:
494Master Broome , thou shalt know, I will predominate ouer
495the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
496to me soone at night: Ford's a knaue, and I will aggrauate
497his stile: thou (Master Broome ) shalt know him for
498knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night.

499Ford.     What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this? my
500heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
501is improuident iealousie: my wife hath sent to him, the
502howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue
503thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
504bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers ransack'd, my reputation
505gnawne at, and I shall not onely receiue this villanous
506wrong but stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
507termes, and by him that does mee this wrong: Termes,
508names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer , well: Barbason ,
509well: yet they are Diuels additions, the names of fiends:
510But Cuckold, Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe
511hath not such a name. Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee
512will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will rather
513trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman
514with my Cheese, an Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle,
515or a Theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then
516my wife with her selfe. Then she plots, then shee rumiuates,

column 2

517then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
518hearts they may effect, they will breake their hearts but
519they will effect. Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie:
520eleuen o'clocke the howre, I will preuent this, detect
521my wife, bee reueng'd on Falstaffe , and laugh at Page . I
522will about it, better three houres too soone, then a mynute
523too late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold.

529Fal.     Mi. Ford. Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
530I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I professe
531requitall to a haires bredth, not onely Mist. Ford ,
532in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
533complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
534your husband now?

535Mis. Ford.     Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn .)

536Mis. Page.     What hoa, gossip Ford : what hoa.

537Mis. Ford.     Step into th'chamber, Sir Iohn .

538Mis. Page.     How now (sweete heart) whose at home
539besides your selfe?

540Mis. Ford.     Why none but mine owne people.

541Mis. Page.     Indeed?

542Mis. Ford.     No certainly: Speake louder.

543Mist. Pag.     Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here.

544Mist. Ford.     Why?

545Mis. Page.     Why woman, your husband is in his olde
546lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
547railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
548daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
549himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
550that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tamenesse,
551ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
552now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere.

553Mist. Ford.     Why, do's he talke of him?

554Mist. Page.     Of none but him, and sweares he was caried
555out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
556Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
557him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
558make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
559the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne
560foolerie.

561Mist. Ford.     How neere is he Mistris Page ?

562Mist. Pag.     Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon.

563Mist. Ford.     I am vndone, the Knight is heere.
564Mist. Page Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
565but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
566him, away with him: Better shame, then murther.

567Mist. Ford.     Which way should he go? How should I
568bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?

569Fal.     No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
570May I not go out ere he come?

column 2

571Mist. Page.     Alas: three of M^r. Fords brothers watch
572the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise
573you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
574you heere?

575Fal.     What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney.

576Mist. Ford.     There they alwaies vse to discharge their
577Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole.

578Fal.     Where is it?

579Mist. Ford.     He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
580Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
581an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
582to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
583house.

584Fal.     Ile go out then.

585Mist. Ford.     If you goe out in your owne semblance,
586you die Sir Iohn , vnlesse you go out disguis'd.

587Mist. Ford.     How might we disguise him?

588Mist. Page.     Alas, the day I know not, there is no womans
589gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
590put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape.

591Fal.     Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
592rather then a mischiefe.

593Mist. Ford.     My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford ,
594has a gowne aboue.

595Mist. Page.     On my word it will serue him: shee's as
596big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
597too: run vp Sir Iohn .

598Mist. Ford.     Go, go sweet Sir Iohn : Mistris Page and
599I will looke some linnen for your head.

600Mist. Page.     Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
601straight: put on the gowne the while.

602Mist. Ford.     I would my husband would meete him
603in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
604he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
605hath threatned to beate her.

606Mist. Page.     Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
607and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards.

608Mist. Ford.     But is my husband comming?

609Mist. Page.     I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
610basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence.

611Mist. Ford.     Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
612carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
613it, as they did last time.

614Mist. Page.     Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
615dresse him like the witch of Brainford .

616Mist. Ford.     Ile first direct my men, what they
617shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
618him straight.

619Mist. Page.

625Mist. Ford.     Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
626shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
627set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch.

6281. Ser.     Come, come, take it vp.

6292. Ser.     Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe.

6301. Ser.     I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead.

631Ford.     I, but if it proue true (M^r. Page ) haue you any
632way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
633villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
634Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
635a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
636What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what honest

page 55

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637cloathes you send forth to bleaching.

638Page.     Why, this passes M. Ford : you are not to goe
639loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd.

640Euans.     Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
641mad dogge.

642Shall.     Indeed M. Ford , thi is not well indeed.

643Ford.     So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford , Mistris
644Ford , the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertuous
645creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
646I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?

647Mist. Ford.     Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
648suspect me in any dishonesty.

649Ford.     Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
650sirrah.

651Page.     This passes.

652Mist. Ford.     Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone.

653Ford.     I shall find you anon.

654Eua.     'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
655cloathes? Come, away.

656Ford.     Empty the basket I say.

657M. Ford.     Why man, why?

658Ford.     Master Page , as I am a man, there was one conuay'd
659out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
660may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
661my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
662me out all the linnen.

663Mist. Ford.     If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
664death.

665Page.     Heer's no man.

666Shal.     By my fidelity this is not well M^r. Ford : This
667wrongs you.

668Euans.     M^r Ford , you must pray, and not follow the
669imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies.

670Ford.     Well, hee's not heere I seeke for.

671Page.     No, nor no where else but in your braine.

672Ford.     Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
673not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
674me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
675iealous as Ford , that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
676wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
677with me.

678M. Ford.     What hoa (Mistris Page ,) come you and
679the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
680Chamber.

681Ford.     Old woman? what old womans that?

682M. Ford.     Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford .

683Ford.     A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
684Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
685do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
686brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
687She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th'Figure, & such
688dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know nothing.
689Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
690downe I say.

691Mist. Ford.     Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentlemen,
692let him strike the old woman.

693Mist. Page.     Come mother Prat , Come giue me your
694hand.

695Ford.     Ile Prat-her : Out of my doore, you Witch,
696you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
697out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you.

698Mist. Page.     Are you not asham'd?
699I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman.

700Mist. Ford.     Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
701for you.

702Ford.     Hang her witch.

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703Eua.     By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
704I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
705a great peard vnder his muffler.

706Ford.     Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you follow:
707see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
708vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe.

709Page.     Let's obey his humour a little further:
710Come Gentlemen.

711Mist. Page.     Trust me he beate him most pittifully.

712Mist. Ford.     Nay by th'Masse that he did not: he beate
713him most vnpittifully, me thought.

714Mist. Page.     Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
715ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice.

716Mist. Ford.     What thinke you? May we with the warrant
717of woman hood, and the witnesse of a good conscience,
718pursue him with any further reuenge?

719M. Page.     The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
720of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
721fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
722waste, attempt vs againe.

723Mist. Ford.     Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
724seru'd him?

725Mist. Page.     Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
726the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
727in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
728any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the
729ministers.

730Mist. Ford.     Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
731sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
732iest, should he not be publikely sham'd.

733Mist. Page.     Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
734I would not haue things coole.
735Exeunt.