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1

A PLEASANT DIALOGUE BETWIXT HONEST JOHN AND
2LOVING KATE. THE CONTRIVANCE OF THEIR MARRIAGE AND
3WAY HOW TO LIVE. 1685.

4
5     ...

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144

THE SECRET SINNERS:
145OR,
146A MOST PLEASANT DIALOGUE BETWEEN A QUAKER AND
147HIS MAID, AND HIS WIFE SARAH.

148
149Enters the Quaker.
224
225    Sarah returning from holding forth,
226speaks as she Enters.
227

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326

TOM THE TAYLOR. 1684.

327

A MERRY DIALOGUE BETWEEN
328TOM THE TAYLOR, AND HIS MAID JOAN.

329

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425VERSE OMITTED
470VERSE OMITTED

parameters for this division: #penny_classification_1

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484

V. JOKES AND JESTS.

485
486

CANTERBURY TALES. BY CHAUCER JUNIOR. 1687.

487
488

THE DEDICATION TO THE BAKERS, SMITHS, MILLERS, AND OTHER READERS.

489
490    You are presented here with a Choice Banquet of delightful
491Tales, pleasant Stories, witty Jests, and merry Songs to divert
492the young Men and Maids when they come to the Bake-house,
493Forge or Mill; and by these you may encrease your Trade and
494call Customers to you: for be sure the merry Lasses will go where
495they can be furnished with Tales, Stories and Jests; therefore these
496are as necessary for you as a fair Wife for a fine Tavern, a young
497Hostess for an old Inn, or a Gazet for a Coffee-House. It is fitted
498for all manner of Persons, therefore I hope you will all furnish
499your selves with it; for it will be a rare Companion for Old and
500Young upon many Occasions; especially at Christmas, Easter,
501VVhitsontide, or long Winter Evenings over a Cup of Nutbrown-Ale
502and Lambs-wool. In a word, you will find it as
503comfortable as Matrimony, or as sweet as a Maiden-head at
504midnight, or a Sack-Posset at the latter end of a Fire, what
505would you have more, the young Men and Maids may laugh till
506their Lungs ake, and the old and melancholy, will find Dr.
507Merryman the best Physitian. Farewel.
508
509

(2)

510
511    An unlucky Boy in Canterbury, got a great many a Rams-horns
512together in a Basket, went up and down the streets in VVintertime;

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513crying, here's choice of new Fruit. At length, an ancient
514Gentleman, that was Husband to a Beautiful young VVife,
515ask'd to see them, which as soon as he had, he replyed, you fool,
516do you think I want Horns? no says the Boy, tho' you are provided
517yet I may meet with some body that is not: at which several
518Spectators laught heartily.
519
520

(4)

521
522    A Young Man and Maid living in Kent, being in Love together,
523but Marriage deferr'd by their Friends, by reason of the inequality
524in the Maidens Portion: they resolved to steal some
525private embraces, contrary to their Parents knowledge. And it
526fell out, they met together at Canterbury, that being a place pretty
527far from home, and not much acquainted. There they took
528Lodgings at a certain Inn: but the Man having some small
529business in the City, fell into Company, and night approaching,
530the young Maid waiting with patience, and no Lover came, ten a
531clock strikes, up stairs she goes, admiring to the House, that
532her pretended Husband did not come; desiring to have a little
533Sack Posset, thinking he might eat some after his Journey. That
534was made, brought up, and set on the Cupboards head with a
535Candle lighted, she being tyred, goes to Bed and there waits the
536happy hour, of her Lovers coming: Now you must understand,
537there comes a Bearheard, that had been newly landed in the
538Downs, with three lusty Bears; which being late was plac'd in a
539Stable-Room, just under the floor where the Lovers was to enjoy
540themselves: but one of the Bears winding the Sack Posset;
541begins to roar, when scratching the wall and finding it yield,
542made a large hole just in the stair-case, gets through and up stairs
543he comes into the Chamber, where the Maid was then fallen
544asleep; the Bear mounting his two fore-feet on the Cubbord, to
545get to the Sack-Posset his claws hung so in the Cubbord-cloath
546that he pulls down the Sack Posset, Candle and all, upon him

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547which noise awakened the young Maid, who thinking her Lover
548was come, started up on a sudden, but seeing a hairy thing all on
549fire as the Bear was, by the Candles falling upon him: she hid her
550self under the Bed-cloaths, the Bear by rouling about, at length
551put out the fire on his back, and falls to licking up the Posset;
552which at length, so intoxicated his Brain, that being disposed to
553sleep, he leaps on the bed, and their lyes; the fright whereof,
554caused our young VVoman to let fly behind. In the interim comes
555in her Lover, who ascending the stairs, half fluster'd, falls on the
556Bed, hugging the Bear instead of his sweetheart; and begging her
557Pardon for his long stay: but he scented such a smell of bak'd,
558boyl'd, stew'd and Roasted, that he knew not what to think of it;
559calling out, my Dear, my Dear, why doest not speak? when in
560the midst of all this Freak, the Bearheard miss'd his Bear, and
561looking for him, found the hole, where he had made his escape;
562comes up stairs with a lighted Torch, and three or four belonging
563to the Inn, discovered the whole intrigue, to the no small shame
564of the two Amoretta's.
565
566

(5)

567
568    At a Coffee-house in Canterbury, several Gentlemen were together;
569one was asking what news they heard from London, why
570reply'd, another; there was forty thousand Men rose yesterday
571morning, which made them all to wonder, and ask if he knew
572for what, yes sayd he, only to goe to Bed when night came: which
573occasion'd a great laughter.
574
575

(6)

576
577    In Canterbury, there was a Carpenter that had married a handsome
578young wife; and he had a Gentleman that had boarded with him,
579that pretended to study Astrology; but no otherwise than to gull
580the Husband and lye with his VVife, who had promised him
581that favour, if he could beguile the Carpenter. Now this Gentleman
582had a Rival, that had a months mind to have a lick at her

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583Honey-pot, but she hated him and loved her Boarder. It happened
584that the Carpenter miss'd his Boarder upon a time, and searching
585about, found him in a Cock-loft, looking up toward the Skie:
586what's the matter, quoth he? Oh says the Gentleman, I find by
587Astrology that on Monday next at quarter-night, there will fall
588such a Prodigious Rain that Noah's Flood was not half so great;
589therefore get quickly three Bucking-Tubs that we may get into
590them, and tye them to the top of the Garret, that we may save
591our Lives: the Carpenter quak'd for fear, got three Tubs, and
592at night, he and his wife and the boarder, climb a Ladder and
593severally get in. After much sighing, the Carpenter falls asleep,
594and the Gentleman and the Landlady, merrily marches to their
595intended business: but while they were at it, the Rival knocks at
596the door and entreats her to grant him a Kiss; now, said she to
597the Boarder, you shall laugh your fill: my Dearest quoth she,
598come close to the window, and I will be with you immediately:
599the Rival wipes his mouth to receive the kiss. At length, she
600opens the VVindow, and desires what he does to do quickly:
601now the night was very dark, and she felt about till she found
602him, and to tell the Tale neither better nor worse; he very
603savourly kiss'd her bare Arse. The Rival cruelly vext; got a red
604hot iron, and comes again, tell her he had brought her a Ring,
605provided she would give him another kiss; and the Boarder
606thinking to encrease the sport, places his Arse out at the same
607window; which his Rival did singe and burn, that he cried out,
608water, water, water; at which, the poor Carpenter thinking that
609Noah's Flood was come, starts on a sudden, out of the Bucking-Tub,
610fell upon the floor, broke his noddle, bepiss'd his Breeches;
611and at length discovers all the intreague.
612
613

(7)

614
615    A VVoman sitting with Fish in Canterbury Market, would always
616have a saying to Men when they came to buy any thing: As a

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617Man was cheapning her Fish, says she to him, as you intend to
618have some of my Fish in your Belly, so I would fain have some
619of your Flesh in my Belly; no says he, I can't spare my Flesh to
620such an ugly Puss as you: No, No, reply'd she, I did not mean
621as you mean, I mean your nose in my Arse.
622
623

(11)

624
625    A beautiful young Gentlewoman of Canterbury, being wedded
626to an old Man in respect of his Riches, he being as full of Ice,
627as she of Fire, had a mind to try the difference between young
628and old Flesh, shewed some Kindness more than ordinary to her
629Serving-man; which he perceiving, lays hold of all Opportunities
630to address himself to her by way of Love; but she would not
631yield to his Desire, unless he would contrive some way to
632cornute her Husband in his presence and he not to believe it,
633this caused the Serving-man to stretch his Invention upon the
634Rack, who at last acquainted his Mistress that he had found an
635Experiment to do it, provided she would when her Husband and
636she was a walking in the Garden, pretend to Long for some
637Fruit on some of the highest Trees, and to leave to him the
638management of the rest, which accordingly she did: The old
639Man calling his Man to ascend the Tree to gather the Fruit;
640which, as soon as he had got up, cryed out with a loud Voice,
641Master, Master, leave off for shame, I never in all my life see so
642unseemly an Action, for shame disengage your self from my
643Mistress, or else some of the Neighbours will see you: the old
644Man amazed at this Language, asked if the Fellow was mad, and
645what he meant? O Sir, said the Man, the Tree is either bewitched,
646or else I cannot believe mine own Eyes; for I fancy I see you
647upon my Mistress. Come down, come down, and let me get up
648the Tree to know if, it seems so to me; the Fellow comes down
649and the old Man gets up: in the Interim, the young Fellow fell to
650work with his Mistress, the old Man looks down and sees it,

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651cries out, in good Faith says he, it seems to me just as it did to
652you, for methinks I see you upon your Mistress as perfectly as if
653it was really so: the old Man gets down and thinks the Tree
654bewitched; orders presently to be cut down, for fear it should
655infect the rest. Thus was the old Man made a Cuckold to his
656own Face and would not believe it.
657
658

15.

659
660    A married Gentleman coming through Canterbury, his Horse
661threw him, which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a laughing;
662the Man being terribly vext that she should laugh at his fall,
663angerly said, Madam, pray admire not at this, for my Horse always
664stumbles when he meets a Whore; she sharply reply'd, have a
665care then Sir, you do not meet you Wife, for then you will
666certainly break your neck.